I suppose everyone has some things about themselves they wish they could change. Generally, I do okay on that front and like myself.
However, of late, not so much.
Last night was our final child birthing class and we watched a short documentary made by a woman who is a midwife in Mexico. It chronicled her day of labor and delivery of her third child. She commented that she never felt more beautiful than when she was pregnant and seemed so at peace with the whole process. It made me sad.
I don't feel at peace. I struggle with how resentful I feel about the changes in my body and my day to day life. Not a nice way to feel. All around me people are joyful about the pregnancy. I feel very excited about having a child, but also somewhat fearful about what life will be like after - am I destined to never have a moment to myself? Will I be okay with that? Will I meet her and fall so totally in love that I won't mind changes that are sure to come? For some reason my brain has chosen to fixate thus far on what I lack in this experience - the ability to sing, to exercise like a normal person, to sleep through the night, to not wet my pants when I sneeze to feel confident in my own body and not like it is some science experiment gone awry, and to just live my life as I am used to doing.
The bottom line is, the person I was has left the building and I have no freakin' clue who this new person is. And that, people, is uncomfortable territory. I've wanted to be a mom for as long as I can remember, but I never in a million years anticipated feeling like this. I have a pregnancy with no complications. In that respect, I am textbook. The only complication is my mind's inability to let me just scale back life and feel okay about it. Every other pregnant woman in the world is probably pretty happy to just put her feet up and relax. Not me. I want to be doing at the same level as I always have and buck against myself when I can't.
There's surely a lesson or 900 in here somewhere.
And, to top it off, I hate feeling ungrateful. We are incredibly blessed that it was so easy to get pregnant and that things have, thus far, gone off without a hitch. For that alone I feel as though I ought to be dancing in the streets. But I'm not.
So, my question is, how can I get there? What kind of thing do I have to do to get to a place where I accept the current limitations on my life and be content with what is?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
2 comments:
Maybe you don't have to get anywhere - maybe where you are is exactly where you need to be - that is wishing you could exercise and go at 100% like you were before. I think the shame in it all is that people don't talk - women don't talk - about all these feelings that aren't so great - everyone expects you to be happy when your prego and happy after you deliver but the truth is - it's not always rosy. but that doesn't mean for one second you aren't grateful - clearly you are. You're mind is just working through some stuff. And I know all this b/c clearly I've had a million babies :)
Thanks 'Tae. My mom offered some similar words of advice and I think you are both right. I'm trying to focus on how good it will feel to go for a walk again and not totally suck wind and get a cramp in my diaphragm. Ahhh, aiming high!!!
Post a Comment