We are in the final countdown to "W-Day". 10 days to go. I am frequently reminding myself that even if everything falls apart, at the end of the day we will still be married.
On Sunday I was awake at 5am, lists forming in my mind of all that needs to be done - confirmation calls to vendors, finalize the program, make the program, email a reminder to family about photos and rehearsal dinner, email guests with things to do in Maine. Lists have long been my friends, but this particular one has been a godsend. While I'd rather have had a few more hours of sleep, yesterday was productive because of the list.
One element I hadn't anticipated about my pending life is the dreams that are coming with the lead-up. Each night I seem to have a non-wedding related nightmare, followed by an anxiety ridden wedding dream. Last night right after I fell asleep, I dreamed someone broke in to our house and Ben and I watched her walk by our bedroom with a hammer in hand. It was one of those dreams that felt so real that when I woke up it took me a second to know if there really was someone in our house. Then I got up to be sure all the windows were locked. Often those dreams involve someone yelling at me loudly and then chasing me.
The anxiety dream du-jour involved putting on my wedding makeup. In an earlier post I wrote about the makeup expedition that happened in real life. In the back of my mind since that trip, I've thought how it would be smart for me to practice what they did so I can have a hope of recreating it when my mind is inevitably going to be elsewhere. Have I done it? Nope, but I think about it... Anyway, in the dream, I put on bright purple eyeshadow and then realized it wasn't where it was supposed to go on my eye. I couldn't get it off and then knew I was going to be late to the ceremony and potentially not make it to get married.
Clearly my brain has some issues right now with various fears and anxieties. I'm pretty aware of the wedding anxiety, mostly in the form of having time to get everything done and feeling as though I have no time to be present to what is coming. I don't want to get to the day and be overwhelmed by an emotional response because I haven't made time to process what is happening.
Yesterday, feeling hopped up on adrenaline from doing wedding things, I made myself sit for a few minutes to just breathe and then tried the visualization technique I use when leading up to a performance. I imagined myself in my dress, coming up the stairs from the church's lower level and then walking down the aisle with my Godfather. Lo and Behold, I felt my nerves rise. More evidence that I should be doing that every day to get ready. I'll try, I promise.
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Oh ye who is the chip off the block . . . my wedding nightmare of last night involved inadvertently dragging my dress (which was a green number with white piping) through a mud puddle as I tried to unlock the door to a building where I was supposed to be getting dressed . . .. :) The white trim turned all brown!! hoot brown!!!!
Breathe, breathe, breathe!
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