This has gotta go public....

With a huge CAVEAT that if you work with me at Harvard and read this, you have to keep your mouth shut for a few more weeks because I'm not going to my boss with it until I've got a plan in place and know a few more details.

Okay, that aside, I'm having a baby! As of today I have begun my 13th week and we went yesterday for my second appointment with the midwives and heard the little heart beat. It sounds sort of like a whooshing little freight train. The midwife had a hard time finding it at first because my heart was so loud, but when she went to the spot where I feel little flutters, she found it loud and clear. It was pretty amazing to hear.

Of course, along with that she commented that my uterus feels larger than 12 weeks....uhhh. That could be nothing and I've just popped a bit because my stomach was so flat before that it seems really noticeable, we could be farther along than we think, meaning I ovulated earlier in my cycle that month or I'm having more than one baby. Right. So not going there on the last option. Either way, I can't button any of my pants anymore and have purchased an assortment of lovely empire waisted dresses that sort of mask my ever growing midsection.

These past few months have been one freakin' rollercoaster of things. We agreed to start trying when we decided to get married, thinking that since I was 35 it might take a little while and we knew we didn't want to wait a long time to start a family....right. Two weeks later I was pregnant. In the long run, I'd rather have it this way than years of trying and trouble conceiving, but nothing like doing things all at once! We also decided the in-utero name of this child is Speedy, given his or her rapid arrival into our lives.

This means I'll be five months (give or take) along when we get married and at this rate, I'll have one hell of a belly. Fortunately, the dress was purchased with all this in mind (it was HILARIOUS to come out of the dressing room with the baby bump belly on under the dress because it makes you look about 8 months pregnant. Well, hilarious to my peeps, several old ladies eyed me with disgust, but to hell with them).

I'm not going to lie, this has not been easy (not to dissuade those of you who think you might want to have kids some day, but strap yourselves in for the ride, it is a wild one). The nausea, fatigue and general overwhelmed-ness of everything has gotten the best of me on more than one occasion. I cry at the drop of a hat. I spent many a day lost to the throws of morning sickness (now it is down to about a 2 hour stretch in the morning, and should disappear this coming week, please, please, please), my boobs hurt and are also well on the way to being hugemongous and I am apt to pass out on the couch at 8pm. For the first time ever I have reflux and it has robbed me of my singing voice. There are about 4 notes I can sing and often they hurt. Yoga is different as I now have to modify and avoid certain poses. Exercise also had to go down a notch because I get winded and tired out quickly. One of the most recent, strange, but apparently normal changes that happened is that my nose has moved into hyper drive. The slightest smelly thing will set me off. Ben's cherry scented chapstick that he puts on before bed made me hella nauseous such that I had to request he change it. Canned cat food - don't even bother. Trash that is just a few moments past its time. I can't do it. I made salmon one night and the smell made me want to hurl. I get that nature is trying to protect me from putting things in my body that might harm speedy, but jeez. I know not to eat the kitchen cleaner for pete's sake!

All in all, I decided last night that while I love children and will thoroughly enjoy being a mom, I do not much enjoy being pregnant. I think all those women who say they love being pregnant lie! I'm too much of a doer to do well when restrictions are placed on me. I suppose I could be all yogic about it and realize the Universe is providing me with an opportunity to work on just rolling with life a bit, but thus far, there ain't been no yogic sensibilities about this one.

Next week I go for the Early Risk Assessment test and an ultrasound to measure nuchal fold translucency. Those will tell us my risk level for having a child with Down's Sydrome or any other genetic flaw that can be at times fatal. At age 35 the risk goes up sharply to something like 1 in 352. The ERA will tell me my 1 in whatever risk. If it comes back high, they will do an amnio. I know it is good to have these tests as options, but it stresses me out. Hearing the heart beat this week was huge and crossing the ERA bridge will also be good to putting me on the road of feeling like I can just celebrate having a baby.

So that's the news. Now that its out there I'll post more often about tales from the Uterus.