Transitions

Life has been on such rapid fast forward since January. Many times I've acknowledged that truth somewhere in my brain and I've wished for some time to stop and smell the roses about it all and just have a second to savor being engaged and to savor being pregnant. Okay, not the nausea part but, hello! I'm achieving two of my life's dreams here. That's big, savor-worthy news!

Between coping with first trimester exhaustion and nausea, merging our households, getting through the semester of teaching and planning the wedding, I've felt as though I have had no time to sit down and process much of anything. Somewhere I knew that the processing needed to happen at a bit of a distance from Ben. Not in a bad way, but just in a Sarah -is-this-way kind of way. When things are big, or bad, or difficult I know I need to step back to get perspective in life before moving forward.

Since we met we've been pretty inseparable and I love so much of that, but the Sarah who lived for almost 35 years without Ben and is fiercely independent could feel herself at times, needing to throw her arms wide in a space that only she occupied. Not only to process the change, but also to reconnect with me and remember who I am.

The sometimes solitary-ness of me is something I contemplate as I move ever closer towards marriage and particularly motherhood. Very soon I will have a little being who is a permanent, needy part of my life. In so many ways, I can't wait for that, but in others, I acknowledge that I will have moments of wanting to walk out the door and spend 3 days by myself on a deserted island. That balance will probably be something I always will have to work on.

I know, at times, it is hard for Ben to understand that in me. When we have disagreements he is a talk it out person until both people feel resolved. I find that my brain reaches total saturation of information and I need some time to sort through things before I can respond in a way that is thoughtful and not just emotionally charged and reactionary. Each time I hang in there as long as I can to try and meet his need to talk things out. I give him much credit that he is now able to pat me and say, "I know you need some time" and leave me be. In fact, it makes me love him more to know he is willing to do that for me because I know how very difficult that is for him.

With less than a week's notice, Ben found out he was going to New Mexico for work for this entire week. Last Sunday I dropped him off at the airport and he jetted off to Albuquerque and I returned to Arlington for a solo week. I think this is the time I have felt I have needed. After the first few hours of feeling a bit sad to be by myself I settled into a week of savoring having some 'me' time. That this week coincided with my first week of only working my summer schedule of 2 days a week only added to things.

In many ways it was a busy week for me. I saw a friend for dinner, had a board meeting at work, went out to Natick to Nate's Tball game, but I also just relaxed. I read, I slept, and had time to let the changes that have happened just roll around in my brain. The result is I am very much looking forward to Ben returning tonight and feel more like life is on play rather than fast forward.

Transitions will probably never be my strong suit, but I feel ready to move forward with all the ones that are in the pipeline and know in the future I need to be good when I reach these points about calling for some Sarah time to drop back and reflect while the household continues without me for a short period of time.