What's in a name...

I know many of you have gone before me on this front, but I'm struggling a bit with what to do with my last name when I get married. (Nothing is official yet, so don't think you missed something big). It just feels like women get the short end of the stick because the tradition is rooted in the time when women were viewed as property, traded by their father to some other man and given that new man's name to symbolize the shift from Dad's house to Husband's house.

In my circle of friends I know those who have kept their own name, taken their husband's name, hyphenated with both names, had a husband take their name, both people have hyphenated or they've made up a new name entirely. The whole thing seems to amount to a big mess. (Have I mentioned that I'm struggling with this?)

When I was in college, my mom got remarried and changed her name from the one she shared with her children, to the one her new husband had. It felt like a big slap in the face at the time, like she was turning away from us, her own family. I wanted her to go back to her maiden name if she didn't want to have the name of her first husband anymore. Now she is divorced from her second husband, but still has his name and that name is now linked to books she's published, articles she's written and within her professional circle so she's kinda stuck with it.

For the past 14 years I've been in the work world, establishing myself professionally as as single woman. I've performed, I've published, I've presented. All of which were done as me under my current name. There is some economic leverage, if you will, to my name.

I acknowledge that in getting married and starting a family, we are defining a new unit of people. A team, if you will. Bear with me here on the team metaphor...In general, you want a team to be wearing the same jersey so game watchers can tell who is supposed to be playing on what team. But, since no one is going to pay hundreds of dollars to watch my marriage, should anyone but me need to know that I'm married? Does it matter if people see a ring on my finger and a last name that is different from the name of my spouse as long as we know we are married and our kids know we are their parents?

What happens to the name I've associated with myself for 35 years? I don't want to give it up, but I don't want my children to feel alienated from me because I have a different last name. For the record, I think it is now very common for women to keep their last name and most people don't bat an eye at it. Except the man I'm with thinks they do and feels strongly that he wants our family to have the same name. He offered to take my last name and we hyphenate.

Hyphenation makes my skin crawl. What happens when Suzie Jones-Waters meets Billy Smith-James and they get married and have kids. Does everyone have 4 last names? That makes the least sense to me and isn't something I want to do. I'm fine with children having the last name of the father.

I had thought for the time prior to our discussion this weekend that I would keep my last name officially, but when it came to social events, family related events, school things that didn't require an official signature, I would use his last name and we would be the 'X family'. In his opinion I'd be lying by using a name that isn't my real name and that is wrong to do.

One option is to drop my middle name and use my last name as my middle name and use his last name as my new last name. Then, I could still use my maiden name professionally, but have the option of using the family name for other things. I promised to try that idea on for a while and see how it felt, but I can feel myself resisting and going back to what I want, which is to just keep my name. I'll give it a shot though.

Out of curiosity, I hopped on the web to see what all had to be changed in my life if I change my name. Here's what I found:

1 Order extra certified copies of your marriage certificate for agencies that require originals before allowing you to change your name on documents, such as the department of motor vehicles.

2.Request a new Social Security card or cards reflecting the name change.

3. Make an appointment to visit the department of motor vehicles for a new driver's license.

4. Obtain and complete a Passport Amendment/Validation Application.

5. Order replacements for checks, business cards, credit cards and other documents that contain your old name.

6. Call employers to let them know your new name, and ask them to change it in their records.

7. Change your name on your car registration, with your insurance and mortgage companies, and with your frequent-flier program.

8. Contact the post office, utility companies and registrar of voters.

Not an insignificant list of things to do to get one's name changed.

Short of any other good solution I've contemplated just combining our last names, dropping all prior names given to me and going by "Wavis". Or "the artist formerly known as S.K.W".

The bottom line is, I still don't know what I'll do and I'll keep talking to the women I know who have encountered this issue before.....